Two Presidents and a Clueless Dictator

Newly-anointed President-for-Life Shravana II has a few issues with his Anointment Speech. His advisors help him ‘connect’ with the public.

Based on the following illustration by Siddhant Patra

Read my lips- no new species. Nah! Too divisive, you reckon?”

“Yes, sire…um, no, sire!”

“As you say, sire.”

President Shravana II of Kapi, erstwhile banana conglomerate and newly-anointed President-for-Life, was beginning to realise the rut he’d gotten himself into. Or was he?

“Why are the people on the streets? What exactly is it they’re protestin…”

“The channel, sire. His Highness may remember yours truly having briefed him on MDTV not being perhaps the best place for the news. Now would sire please switch over to Wolf News? Ah, better.

“The people adore you, sire. Your approval ratings have jumped from 92% to 97% in the past week itself! The guys on the streets are merely layman Romeos looking for fun. And as His Highness may remember, we’ve been taking care of that appropriately.”

“Have we?”

“Now would sire kindly do us the pleasure of signing the following increment in pay for Political Advisors to the President.”

“How many Political Advisors are there?”

“One, precisely.”

Chief Political Advisor Darshan Wolf is widely considered the chief orchestrator of what the New Monk Times called the ‘Biggest Political Non-Surprise of 2016’. As Chairman of the Vaanarist Party of Kapi, Mr Wolf had managed the hitherto impossible-considered task of increasing the VPK Chimpstag seat-share from 93% to 98%.

Mr Wolf’s liking for alternative reality has been widely reported on, albeit outside Kapi boundaries. An Orang Express editorial titled ‘Wolf- Alternative (Eye)Balls’ had caused much furore back home, leading to a world-first unconditional apology from a tabloid.

“Tell me VD, this President-for-Life thing- will it go down well with the public?”

“Sire, I’m done with my 50-word quota for the day. If His Highness so permits, I shall continue.”

“Go on.”

“Sire, it seems from first swivel that what may be considered ‘the public’ is currently in a mood of disconsolation and disenchantment from the present dispensation. The same may be attributed to a plethora of reasons- an economy whose Gross Domestic Product is currently on the verge of shrinkage, His Highness having passed a self-declaration of Presidency-for-Life within two months of taking over, widespread exploitation and nepotism in all quarters of the regime, unfavourable international media coverage of nationwide government validated vigilantism in the form of what are now being officially, yet ironically, being called Anti-Romeo Squads, et al. It must be pointed out, here, that those currently disenchanted contain a large swath of people who exercised their franchise in favour of His Highness…”

“Stop. Wolf, translate please.”

“The people love you, sire.”

“Took an awful lot of time to say that. I seldom understand your words, VD. Work on your sentence structure, maybe.”

Vachan Dharmaraj is Chief Secretary to the President, the silence behind the scenes. Subject to the kind of public curiosity and media speculation usually reserved for drug-addict rock stars and presidential assassins, VD is attributed with keeping the President out of touch with layman Kapian, or as he is said to call it, ‘out of the general loop, in the elite curl’.

Required by caste and promise to speak the truth and only the truth, VD is said to have written the only critical reviews of both the Oxford and the Merriam-Webster dictionaries.

“Help me write my anointment address, will you guys?”

“Your wish is our command, sire.”

“As His Highness says.”

“Here’s how it goes currently- “Ever since my humble beginnings in the backyard of former President Shravana I – his soul rest in peace – I have had to strive…”

“Sire, we might have to tweak that ever so slightly.”

“Agreed, sire.”

“Wait. Whose idea was this President-for-Life thing?”

“My dearest colleague could answer, perhaps.”

“The decision was ratified at a meeting chaired by His Highness in the presence of all senior advisors. The idea was conceptualised in a regular meeting held three hours before the same.”

“A meeting of-“

“Political advisors”

Dilli, We Got a Problem
The Kavi’s Konundrum


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